A friend asked me yesterday, “Do you even know what So-And-So’s product is?”
So-and-so is launching another shitty frauduct. How exciting.
I said, “No. All I know is it’s GOTTA be Modernistic, cause apparently if you want to manifest modernity into your business, just add ‘Modernistic’ in front of your product’s name and the magic genie will make it so.”
He said, “But Jim – do you know what it actually does?”
“Sure,” I said. “I know the most important benefit of this product is….IT IS GAY.”
My friend was a little horny about the fact that this launch was for some kind of “awesome” TRAFFIC TOOL.
HAHAHA TRAFFIC TOOLS. I know all about them.
In Internet Marketing, nothing is what it seems!
This inspired me to write a guide to understanding the jargon.
Here’s how to use my guide below.
Next time you hear an Internet Jargon word, look for it in the “In Goorooish” section. Then read the English translation beneath it.
The Internet Marketing Survival Guide
In Goorooish: Free eBook/Video Something Tactics
In English: Some useless poorly formatted thing I threw together at the last minute to have an excuse to ask for your email. It’s gonna basically tell you how cool I am so you’d trust me and buy stuff from me.
In Goorooish: $20 Training Course
In English: Something else I threw together in an attempt to recover what I spent on getting you here. Damn you’re an expensive little shyt aren’t you? Anyway, this isn’t a real product, it’s just a sales presentation you get to pay for so I can sell you my more expensive real…well also not-so-real products…but they cost more so they’re cool.
In Goorooish: $200-$2000 *Insert Spy Reference Here* Training Course
In English: Ok I put some work into this (but not too much). I put a lot more work into the launch promo so you and all the other douchebag JVs can refer tons of people to my list for future promos and I’ll make a gang of dough in one shot — although half will probably refund the next day when they realize my promo was sexier than my product but I can still brag about the initial sales numbers. Te..he..he! I’m so smart.
In Goorooish: The Amazing Line-Up Seminar
In English: Pitchfestttttttttttttt!!! The more speakers there are, the more I can charge. Plus, I’ll get a piece of every speaker’s pie too. Wooohoo!
In Goorooish: Underground Mastermind
In English: An expensive group-date. Who cares what you’ll learn? You get to hang out with me cause I’m COOL and a stud and stuff. Will cost me next to nothing cause it’s “underground”. Use a cuss word or two, share a few beers, pretend we’re buds for a day. Shout you a meal at your expense and you’ll even thank me for it.
In Goorooish: Prestigious Coaching Program
In English: I need a shyt-ton of money to pay off the banks like yesterday and I want it coming in steady. I don’t have time to make a product. I’ll promise you the world and give you as little of my time as possible – how does ONCE a month sound? Little work for me, lots of money for me. Win-Win me.
In Goorooish: Kick-Arse Traffic Tool
In English: A scheme I came up with so I can get ALL your friends and subscribers on my mailing list AND charge you for it! This cost 100,000 dollars to program (*cough*bullsh*t*cough) and it will look like it can help you get TONS of traffic for yourself – but it won’t. Har har! I can’t get traffic to save my life…so I’ll steal it from you.
In Goorooish: Time-Sensitive Webinar
In English: I’m too lazy to write a sales presentation for my expensive latest product. Join us, lines are limited cause I don’t wanna pay for more. You’ll learn cool stuff! I’ll spend 85% of the call telling you “my story” then you get to LEARN how much it actually costs to get what you came to learn.
In Goorooish: Revolutionary Marketing System
In English: Well disguised, well-oiled, lead-stealing machine. Here’s how it works: You go get me leads, and then convince your leads to also go and bring me leads. Then you all get to pay me for the privilege. Meanwhile, I’ll take long shyts and I’ll give back to the community at the local strip club as I put some skinny blondes with Double D’s through college.
That’s all I got for now.
One day it will be a whole book. And I’ll get a publishing deal and rake in billions like that Harry Potter lady.
For now, I’ve gotta get back to writing client advertising campaigns.
It’s the one thing without a HIDDEN meaning –
You want your website advertised. And we can do it for you.