Ok I didn’t write a newsletter yesterday.
You’re angry with me, I know. I’m Sorry!
It’s just that ..
*insert excuse here*…
Anyway, some Gooroo asked me to help promo his latest launch to you and your fellow newsletter subscribers. Happens all the time and I’m not really sure what part of “anti-Gooroo” they don’t get…
I wrote a reply, but haven’t sent it yet.
Cause I want your opinion.
I don’t want to come off as too mean, so I attached it below – can you let me know if you think I should add anything?
Dear Internet Gooroo,
Thank you for thinking of me for your Stupid Launch.
Your promo sequence is impressive, considering the crap you’ve done in the past – but your product still has one of those cheesy names that no self respecting marketer should be caught promoting to his list.
And although I’m certain the quality of THIS product is better than the last 20 you released, your material tends to be unoriginal. (You have a brilliant talent of making “sexy” launches for cheap products knocked off from your superiors).
Regretfully, I will not be able to participate in promoting your WONDERFUL Stupid Launch to my list.
I know the prizes are great and the commissions will be even better – but i don’t know if you noticed, I’ve been training my list to AVOID people like you. It would not look good to suddenly be seen promoting your rubbish just because your 3rd-hand car is the top prize.
Please don’t be upset, it’s just that I can’t listen to you for more than 30 seconds before my brain goes numb.
It’s good that on this launch you FINALLY got self-conscious about your odd ears and GIANT hands and decided not to be the star of your own promo video. Nice!
But it’s not enough…I don’t think my subscribers will understand what your voice-over is saying.
See, most of my subscribers can’t speak Moron.
I would suggest you have subtitles added. Perhaps I’ll promote your next launch, ok?
Sorry for not promoting your REALLY awesome Stupid Launch.
All the same, I hope you scam millions. Good luck!
P.S. i still remember when all your cheerleaders used to make fun of you behind your back.
If you got a laugh out of my email, shame on you! – You mustn’t laugh at the retarded.
P.S. just because an intellectual retard has a lot of cheerleaders doesn’t mean they have anything useful to say.
P.P.S. Our Done-For-You Traffic Campaigns save you having to learn from intellectual retards and give you (yes, ACTUALLY GIVE YOU traffic), instead of TEACHING you how to get it.
DISCLAIMER: This email is a work of fiction, and it does not reference anyone real you know 😉