Reader, I don’t know how to tell you this story without making you think i’m out of my mind…so I’ll just tell it— and think what you will.
As of 6 weeks ago, I have a new nephew named Ryan, and he’s a genius!
See, I’m fed up with the incompetence of human beings. Everybody expects someone to handle their shit for them. It bothers me and I don’t want my nephew—who carries some of the same genes as me—to join the ranks of the stupid human race.
Which is why I made a deal with Baby Ryan. Actually, it wasn’t very different from the one my father made with me when I was born.
I gave Ryan a few days to recover from being born before I said to him,
“Ryan, you’ve got to do something amazing with your life, and I’m gonna help you, ok.
“Tell me, do you want to be the youngest baby to walk? Or do you wanna be the youngest baby to talk? Or shall we just cut to the chase and get you a PhD by age 6?”
The kid chose the PhD.
“Why not?” i thought.
Now I don’t think that’s impossible, since his uncles, grandparents, great-uncles, father, and mother are pretty well-educated. Also, admittedly, his progress has been rather encouraging until today.
Here’s what happened:
Ryan was crying—that’s his favourite pass-time. So I picked him up and started a conversation with him. Naturally, he went quiet to listen, like most people do when I’m speaking.
“Good kid. Good smart kid”, I thought to myself.
Minutes later, he went back to the crying and carrying on.
I asked his mother, “What’s with him? Does he need to eat?”
She responds matter of factly, “No. He is just sleepy. That’s all.”
Reader. Not enough words could convey how that baffled me. I was flabbergasted to say the least.
“WHAT!?” I say. “He’s tired so he becomes noisy?”
“Yes,” says his mother.
I turned to Ryan and asked, “Ryan, is this true? You’re tired?”
Ryan stared at me with tears in his eyes and responded, “Yes. I’m tired, Uncle Douche. Make me sleep!”
I shook my head at him with disappointment, returned him to his mother, and went off to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich.
I’m not ready to give up on Ryan yet. But this is a sad day for me. Sleeping when you’re tired isn’t hard at all. And crying isn’t going to help ANYONE go to sleep. Of course, I argued with his mother for encouraging the bad behaviour.
Although other babies are stupid, my nephew is NOT. My hope is that my genius little nephew doesn’t turn into one of those people who needs others to do everything for him. That would be boring. My hope is that he doesn’t come out NORMAL.
That would be sad.
